I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I am available for nakedness
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
