Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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