apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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