1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
