I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
