you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Randomize
