I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
