I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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