you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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