for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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