I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Randomize
