oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
