he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
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