i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Randomize
