I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
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