New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Randomize
