At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
I cut my penus on the lid.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
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