How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
The power of my boobs compel you
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Randomize