hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
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