Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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