I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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