Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
This toilet bowl is my home.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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