i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
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