Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Randomize
