Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Randomize
