Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
