Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize