I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
Randomize
