That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize
