At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
