JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
