If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
