I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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