Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
