I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
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