I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
How external is "for external use only"?
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Randomize
