Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
one might say we're banned from that church
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
