Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
