So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I just want to make out with him forever
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Randomize
