Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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