My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Randomize
