I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
