is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
