Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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