last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
