Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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