when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
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