sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
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