There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
You can't just leave with hair like that
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
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