I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Randomize
