his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
