I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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