She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
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