Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
