this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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